Happy Holidays with Healthy Boundaries
Happy Holidays
This is the time of year is when you get to see family you don’t get to see all the time, and although it’s usually a great experience, having healthy boundaries is a way to endure a happy holiday season. Did you know that you teach people how to treat you through the boundaries you set with them? This especially true and important to remember when dealing with family members. You love your family, but sometimes if can feel like they are overbearing, judgemental, and even a bit hurtful and spending lots of time together during the holidays can bring some of that unpleasantness to the surface.
Holidays can be so stressful, especially if you are dealing with toxic family members. Understanding and setting healthy boundaries with family is how you make it through the holiday season. #Boundaries #SettingBoundaries #HealthyBoundaries #HolidayStress #ToxicFamily #MentalHealth #SelfCare
Boundaries are Like a Fence
When thinking of setting boundaries in your life, I often use a fence analogy to explain how boundaries function. As I discuss the different types of boundaries, I want you to imagine I’m asking you to build an emotional fence around yourself.
First, I want you to imagine building a chain link fence. Although it may offer a bit of a barrier, it really doesn’t offer a lot of privacy. It is pretty porous and can be easy for things to enter or exit your environment.
Next, I want you to imagine building a 10 foot concrete wall completely surrounding your emotional self. Yes, it does offer a lot of privacy, but it also cuts you off from connecting to the world around you. It doesn’t make it very easy for things to enter or exit your world.
Lastly, I want you to imagine building an 8 foot wooden privacy fence with a gate that locks. It offers a good deal of privacy from the world around you, and because there is a locked gate, it allows you to determine what does and does not get to enter your life. Try to keep these in mind as I discuss the different types of boundaries, and think of what the 8 foot privacy fence looks like for you in each of the categories.
Types of Boundaries
There are six basic types of boundaries that I teach all my clients about who come to me for therapy and coaching, and in this blog, I’m going to give you a brief overview of each type and some examples of how they show up in life and specifically how to set healthy boundaries during the holidays in the different categories.
Physical boundaries
Emotional boundaries
Intellectual boundaries
Sexual boundaries
Material boundaries
Time boundaries
Are you stressing over spending time with family during the holidays? Did you know the key to making it through family time is by setting healthy boundaries? There are 6 boundary types, and I outline them here. CLICK to keep reading. #SettingBoundaries #HealthyBoundaries #HolidayStress #ToxicFamily #MentalHealth #SelfCare
Physical Boundaries
Physical boundaries refers to the boundaries we set that have to do with our physical space and physical touch. Think of your physical boundaries as your personal space bubble. If anyone or anything enters your personal space, it is up to you to determine if you are ok with them being in your space. If you are comfortable with them being there, then all is good. However, if you feel that you don’t want them in your space, it is up to you to set a boundary that makes you more comfortable. This could be as simple as asking them to take a step back if during an interaction if they get too close to you. It could also be choosing not to hug someone, and this can be especially difficult when a family member is wanting a hug. It also happens a lot with kids not feeling comfortable hugging an aunt or uncle they aren’t family with or don’t know.
Emotional Boundaries
Emotional boundaries refers to your feelings and personal information and the way you express these things. Do you give too much detail or share too much information about yourself? Do you feel like you have to disclose this personal information to your family? Do holiday gatherings make you feel like you’re under a microscope? Remember that you don’t owe anyone all the details of your life, so don’t feel like you have to share more than you are comfortable sharing.
When you are interacting with family, do you ever feel like they are sharing too much information about themselves. I think we have all experienced an example of someone oversharing, and we get uneasy or even a bit embarrassed for them. There is a need to maintain this boundary as a way to keep yourself safe from “oversharing” and feeling exposed.
Intellectual Boundaries
Intellectual boundaries refer to your thoughts and ideas and how they are communicated and supported. Think of a time you’ve had an idea of something you’d like to do or something you’d like to achieve. You share this information with someone, and it’s belittled or dismissed. This can be especially hurtful when you share information with your family and it feels unsupported. Setting intellectual boundaries means learning to respect and understand your own ideas and values while being able to advocate for yourself. Remember that not everyone will agree with you, but the mutual ability to “agree to disagree” is a respectful way to achieve a balance with this boundary. When dealing with emotionally charged topics such as politics and religion, this boundary is super important to respect.
Sexual Boundaries
Sexual boundaries are basically a combination of physical boundaries, emotional boundaries, and intellectual boundaries all wrapped up in one, but sexual boundaries are a distinct category that require attention.
When thinking about setting sexual boundaries in your personal life this means determining mutual consent, agreement and respect about whatever sexual activity is and is not going to happen. These boundaries could be communicated by simply saying, “no” to sexual activity you do not want to engage in or it could be where you set limits or guidelines of what sexual contact is ok with you. Feeling pressured to act in a sexual way or being forced into something is a violation of this boundary. This boundary can also include any unwanted touching that feels sexual in nature.
You may be wondering how this applies to family situations. Sexual boundaries with your family includes not owing anyone details or information about your sex life or relationships. Family can often be a bit intrusive when it comes to wanting details about what’s going on in your personal life. I do believe this often comes from wanting you to be happy in life, but it can feel really unpleasant to have to explain or share very intimate personal details about your life.
Material Boundaries
Material boundaries refer to your money and possessions and how you choose to use and share them. This boundary could be violated when you let a friend or family member borrow something of yours and it’s either not returned or it is returned but it’s damaged. When thinking of this boundary, think of how entitled someone feels when it come to your stuff. This boundary can be violated quite often with family and how they may feel entitled to your stuff and resources.
You should never feel obligated to give of yourself in a material way, but if you do choose to give to someone in your life, take note of how they respect the agreement. If they borrow money, do they pay you back quickly or do you have to continually ask for the money back? If they damage your items, do they offer to repair or replace them? If you ask them to bring a side dish to the holiday gathering, do they or do they act annoyed at your for asking?
Time Boundaries
Time boundaries refers to how you use and spend your time. It is important to set time boundaries for your life related to your family life, your work, your hobbies and your relationships. You get to choose how you spend your time, and it is ok for you to make decisions about prioritizing what is important to you in this arena. Maybe you want to spend some time on your own during the holidays or you don’t want to feel like all your time should be spent with your family. It is perfectly ok for you to decide not to go hang out if a bubble bath at home is how you want to spend your evening. You should never feel obligated to give your time to others. It should be your choice how to spend your time, and it’s ok to set time boundaries in your life and with your family.
Do you know the 6 types of healthy boundaries? Setting healthy boundaries with family can be difficult but it's so necessary. You can start to reduce the holiday stress now by understanding the types of boundaries and making sure establishing healthy boundaries with family members is at the top of your self-care list. #SettingBoundaries #HealthyBoundaries #HolidayStress #ToxicFamily #MentalHealth #SelfCare
Love Yourself
Boundaries allow us to safely interact with the people in our lives. They allow us to love other people and ourselves well. It is always OK to say, “no” without feeling guilty. You are the gatekeeper of your life, but this does not mean that everyone in your life will respond positively to you setting boundaries. If people are used to getting their way with you, they may act a bit hostile towards you when you start to push back as a way to protect yourself. Just remember that when someone reacts negatively to you for setting a boundary, it does not mean you should not have set the boundary, but it does give you some insight into how they respect you.
Coaching and Consulting
I’m in the process of creating a number of new coaching and consulting groups, and I will also be offering 1:1 coaching services for people looking to live their best life and to feel less stuck by their current circumstances. I you are interested in having an initial consultation with me, I’d love to meet with you and see if we are a good fit. If we decided to work together, you will have the option to go through the steps of selecting your word/theme as a part of our coaching, and I’d love to help you with this process.
28 Days of Gratitude Challenge
My FREE 28 Days of Gratitude Challenge launched this month, and you can join anytime you’re ready!
I set up the challenge in a way so that once you join, each day for 28 days you will get an email sent to you with a daily gratitude prompt or activity that will take no more than 5-10 minutes to complete. The idea is to spend time each day reflecting on the things you are grateful for as a way to shift your mindset. If you’d like to sign up for the FREE 28 Days of Gratitude Challenge, you can do so through this link.
Work with Me
If you are interested in setting up an appointment for therapy, life coaching, or consulting or if you would like more information about ways to start the process of setting healthy boundaries in your life as part of how you can live your best life, you can call my office directly at 314-485-9189 or feel free to send me a message. My direct email address is lindsay@lindsaywalden.com and you can also follow me on Facebook, Instagram, and Pinterest for more life and relationship tips!
Don’t forget to sign up for the FREE 28 Days of Gratitude Challenge at this link!
And I will have more information soon about the new workshops and coaching groups I will be launching in the next few months, so there will be many ways to connect and work with me! Stay tuned for more details on these things coming very soon!
Therapy Thoughts with Lindsay Podcast
Each new podcast episode is uploaded to my Therapy Thoughts Podcast Blog on the website Thursday afternoons at 2:00pm CST, and then it is shared to all the podcasting sites from there. It is also available on the Apple iTunes podcast site, and you can subscribe so you never miss an episode!
In Episode 12 a few weeks ago, we talked about the 28 Days of Gratitude Challenge, and we discussed the importance of setting healthy boundaries during the upcoming holiday season. If you want to check out it out, here is the link.
If you want to check out last week’s Episode 13, here is the link to it.
I really am so grateful to all of you for your continued support, and I hope you’ll tune in this Thursday for Episode 14. Remember to make sure that you are following all my social media platforms so will know when each new episode is available. And, make sure you subscribe to my YouTube channel, so you will be able to watch the episodes once we start recording them on video as well as audio!
Coach Crate
I cannot speak highly enough about Coach Crate. The monthly subscription service has helped me stay regular with my self-care in so many ways, and I would love to have you join me on the Coach Crate adventure. November’s theme is Vulnerability, and I am loving it so much. I know the month sold out quick, so if you want to join for next month, you’ll want to act fast. It was just announced that December’s theme is Creativity, and I cannot wait to jump into it!
If you sign up with my link, you can save money on your first order using code FIRSTBOX at checkout! I stalk my mailbox waiting it to arrive each month, and I know you’ll love it as much as I do!
