Forgiveness... It's Not for Them, It's for You. Part 1

💔 Forgiveness Without an Apology: Reclaiming My Healing on My Terms

When we think about forgiveness, we often imagine a tidy exchange: someone apologizes—“I’m sorry” or “That was my fault”—and someone else responds—“It’s okay” or “I forgive you.” It’s a clean interaction, a balanced moment where both people are participating in the repair. But what happens when that apology never comes? What if it’s not asked for, not earned, not deserved?

Is it even possible—or necessary—to forgive someone who has never shown remorse?

I used to wrestle hard with the idea of what I call “one-sided forgiveness.” If you’ve read my #MeToo story, you know where this started for me. The man who raped me never apologized. He never faced accountability. For years, I told myself I had to hold onto my hate—because it was the only way I knew how to survive. The thought of letting go of that hatred felt like betrayal… like I was letting him off the hook.

But I’ve since learned something powerful: forgiveness doesn’t mean excusing what happened. It means unhooking yourself from the emotional poison someone else left behind.

Early in my self-care journey—back when I was still putting myself back together—I realized I was drowning in emotional weight I couldn’t carry anymore. So, I made a conscious decision to stop focusing on the forgiveness I couldn’t give, and instead focused on what I could do. I could feel. I could cry. I could rage. I could scream. And I did. I gave myself full permission to grieve my experience without trying to make it palatable.

And then, something unexpected happened.

As I dug deeper into my healing, I realized the most toxic anger I carried wasn’t just directed at him—it was also aimed at me. I’ll never forget the moment I said it out loud to my coach, through tears and gritted teeth:
“I’m mad that I let it happen. I’m mad that I didn’t stop it.”

Even as the words came out of my mouth, I was stunned. How could I blame myself? I had helped countless clients confront their own self-blame. And here I was, carrying that same wound I had helped others heal.

But that’s the thing about trauma—it’s sneaky. It lives in your nervous system, not just your logic.
And when I finally saw how much I was punishing myself, I knew I had to make a different choice.

I had to forgive me.

Not in some fluffy, performative way—but in a deep, raw, honest way. I had to face the shame. I had to acknowledge the unfairness. I had to sit with the truth that I had internalized the violence done to me and turned it inward.

And then, I had to let go.

Forgiving myself wasn’t a light-switch moment—it was a process. It came through consistent daily self-care. Through affirmations that didn’t always feel true but slowly became believable. Through journaling and mindset work. Through asking for help and not isolating anymore. Through slowly rebuilding a relationship with myself that felt safe and compassionate.

I began to feel something I hadn’t felt in years: self-acceptance.
And that changed everything.

I’m not going to say I’ve totally figured out what forgiveness looks like in every situation. Some days, old thought patterns try to pull me back in. But I’ve come far enough to know that forgiveness isn’t about them—it’s about you. It’s about choosing freedom. Choosing peace. Choosing not to carry someone else’s harm in your body for the rest of your life.

Forgiveness is not a gift we give to someone who hurt us.
It’s a gift we give to ourselves—when we are ready, not a second before.

This journey is still unfolding for me, and I’ll be continuing to explore forgiveness in upcoming posts. If you’re someone navigating your own path of healing, I hope this reminds you that it’s okay to take your time. You don’t need to rush. You don’t need to “be over it.” You just need to keep showing up for yourself.

You’re worth the care. You’re worth the peace.
And forgiveness—whatever that looks like for you—gets to happen on your terms.

🖤 Part 2 coming soon.